For the Lost Memories
Yesterday, I decided to unarchive my posts in my private account. Three months ago, I removed everything just because I was insanely overwhelmed by the current atmosphere on Instagram, as I wrote before. Nevertheless, my shots to find a substitute weren't successful enough, and I enjoy taking and sharing pictures, so, in a very thoughtful way, I had to bring back all my posts. This process took less than an hour, which was rather surprising given the number of posts and the fact that I had to delete those that did not include my friends. However, the hardest part of the process was facing many good memories and pictures of people whom I might not consider friends anymore.
Considering I moved to China 2.5 years ago, many of my friendships had changed due to the fact that we are no longer in the same environment. In Iran, we commonly use the term "Kharej-neshin" to define those who left the country. The term itself is not derogatory, but it can be used fairly to mock the way people outside of Iran behave towards those inside. With all the political and economic shifts happening every day, it is indeed quite troublesome to keep up when you are outside the country, and your idea from this perspective is significantly different from those living through it inside the country. As a result, there will always be walls between you and the community in Iran, and no matter how hard you stretch to break them, you can not escape the fact that you are not there anymore.
Obviously, there are forever methods to have a much clearer vision; from checking the news and talking constantly with people, to consuming the same media they do. However, I can not deny the fact that even with my measures to fill this gap, I will still be counted as a "Kharej-neshin," and my takes on Iran or how people interact with each other will not be as accurate as they perhaps once were. Subsequently, maintaining friendships may become more challenging. I lost contact with my friends for almost 2-3 months this year due to the internet shutdown. During this period, the country went through several mass demonstrations and a whole war with two nuclear powerhouses. Since then, I have found it even more complicated to talk with my friends about the topic, feeling some sort of guilt for not being there to experience this with them, while resuming my normal life in China as if nothing had happened.
Even without taking all this into account, I have changed a lot since I moved here. I noticed how my character became incompatible with some of my friends back in Iran, and how I became more compatible with other people I could not see as the type of person I hung out with 3 years ago. These personal transformations, accompanied by the change of environment and the social modifications, brought me to the place I am at the moment. I feel in between two different settings. Weeks ago, I had an indirect confrontation with someone from my past, recalling what I have been trying for so long to leave behind. That interaction made me reach out to a certain group of people in my life, especially those I lost contact with due to the trajectory of our relationship, questioning them about the flaws that made them cut me off or end our relationship. I opened myself to the harshest criticisms, and I am actually glad that I did. They pointed to the sides of myself that perhaps I did not know existed, remembering the many mistakes I made and the red lines I ignored. It is always pleasing to know what happened to something that has ended, rather than move on in silence without any helpful confrontation.
After unarchiving the pictures, I reached out to the people whom I saw as my friends in that period as well. I did not know how many of them still see me as a friend, but I felt the urge to talk with them, apologize for my mistakes, and appreciate their presence in my life, even for a short time. It was undoubtedly a refreshing experience, one that reminded me of both the good and the bad at the same time, leaving me with a bittersweet feeling of nostalgia and memories from an eventful past I need to move on from, and a future that seems blurry.